< October 2005 >
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Mon, 24 Oct 2005:
How many roads must a man walk down,
Before you call him a man?

Dylan wasn't asking a question there. The moment you grow up is when you stop depending on your parents and start depending on your friends instead. You never realize it till one fine day, your parents depend on you for something.

Something happened on Friday, that made me realize that I was now truly the Man of my family. My father no longer had it in him to throw back the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Rather than panicking, as I usually do - I found myself thinking very sensibly about what needs to be done and how. There was no phase of denial, no inner to be or not to be - only a vague feeling of anger at someone.

How many times can a man turn his head,
Pretend that he just doesn't see?

Anger is something I'm used to. I like feeling angry - it sort of makes me feel alive. I've used all my anger to do everything I've done so far. It drives me, feeds my fires and keeps me focused. I did so much in life because I was angry of being kicked around as the idiot. I had done so many things in life just because I wanted to prove a point. Sometimes it has been just Because I can. But this wasn't that kind of useful anger.

The feeling was purely selfish. I hated the fact that now I had to be responsible - and cannot be the wild haired wanderer I truly am. But being a Man was all about duties and responsibilties - at least that's what they say. I have to earn, save and more importantly stay alive. The last said is harder for me to do - mainly because my methods of crossing roads or driving can be hardly called safe. Just walk and dodge any cars as they come works for me. I guess the feeling of invulnerability will last till I get hit by a bicycle or something.

Despite my pessimism, I know that everything will soon be as they should be. But that unspoken question hovers in my mind, but I cannot bear to hear an answer. I need the uncertainity, to live in peace, to live in hope - whenever I've tried to peer into the future for answers, it has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I do not want to decide anything - because to decide is to take responsibility. Some of us want to leave their muddy footprints in the sands of time - I want mine washed off in the next wave. That is all I ask of this life - To live, to die and to be forgotten.

To wish for the inevitable is the ultimate fulfilment.

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

posted at: 11:11 | path: /me | permalink | Tags: