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Sun, 02 Oct 2005:

Before you mistake me for a PR service for unknown comedy films, read the following opening words for a movie (the name of which I will reveal, at the end).

Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with;
2) disavowal 3) a statement made to save one's own ass

The 3rd option is sort of added as an afterthought, 5 seconds into the slide.

Though it'll go without saying ten minutes or so into these 
proceedings, View Aksew would like to state that this film is -
from start to finish - a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken
seriously. To insist that any of what follows is incendiary or 
inflamatory is to miss our intention and pass undue judgement.
And passing judgement is reserved for God and God alone (this
goes for you film critics too.. just kidding)

Excellent disclaimer, but it's not over yet.

So please - before you think about hurting someone over this
trifle of a film, remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just
look at the platypus.

Thank you and enjoy the show.

Take that religious bigots... but you insulted all the platypus enthusiasts all around the world and Australia. Apologize !!

P.S. We sincerely apologize to all platypus enthusiasts out there
who are offended by that thoughtless comment about the Platypi.
We at View Aksew respect the noble Platypus, and it is not out
intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way.

Thank you again and enjoy the show.
And then there's the part where the demon kills a women to live in central air-conditioning or when the angel appears with a fiery entrance and gets sprayed with flame retardant. Or consider this.
Angel: whenever some yahoo claims to have conversed with the
almighty, I was talking to him. 
Bethany: why doesn't God speak directly ?.
Angel: Human beings have neither the oral nor the psychological
ability to withstand the true power of God's voice. We ran through
five Adams before we realized that.

The scary part is that this is an American hollywood movie, not some obscure british show I've dug up. Though it takes a stretch to call Doctor Who or Monty Python obscure, how many between 14 and 19 living right now have even heard of it. Anyway the movie still feels British, like this excerpt.

Angel: So loki decides to quit slaugthering in the name of God, 
throws down his fiery sword and gives God the finger.
Bethany: And he was sentenced to hell ?.
Angel: Worse, Wisconsin

And you want to know what's worse, this one's a Jay and Silent Bob movie. The last time I saw them was in Afroman's Because I got high video, smoking a foot long grass joint. So it has to have some stupid sexist dickhead humor (here it comes).

Bethany: So why do you guys hang around here ?.
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks
Bethany: excuse me ?
Jay: well an abortion clinic is the best place to meet
loose women. 
Bethany: /right/.

And they're prophets. I guess I'd watch out when I say a movie's good, right ?. Well, at least I did till the star wars references came up. You know what's even worse, Matt Damon and Ben Afleck are the two fallen angels. Well, Matt is Loki, who keeps talking about Gomorrah while in armoury buying an ugly looking .48 Magnum with a clinical stainless steel barrel. And he's back to killing again. Well and there's those juvies on roller blades murdering people. Yeah, I did mention this was a comedy...

Jay: you breaking up with us ?. Who the ____ do you think
you are ?. Guys don't just fall out of the sky, you know ?.
* a guy falls down from the sky, right between Jay and Bethany 
Jay: wow ! 
* Jay looks up hopefully 
Jay: beautiful naked women don't fall out of the sky, you know ???

So if you end up watching this movie, make sure you have the guts to sit through twenty solid minutes of stupid (yet unexpected) jokes. I felt like watching those shows where an anvil falls on your head from somewhere all the time (if you're a monty python fan, you'd remember the 'Beware of Elephants' sign). Yeah and they read aramic from left to right (same mistake as in the holy grail).

And he was reading aramic from a peice of parchment, saying See you in two years, Jesus and he's the thirteenth apostle (well, so much for thirteen people at dinner being unlucky) who was never mentioned in the Bible. Introduce racism, apparently all the other apostles were white boys, while Rufus wioll haven been of african descent. I think that's the right tense to speak about a ressurrected human in present continous without making assumptions about past continuity of existence as mentioned in Dr Dan Streetmentioner's seminal work on 1001 Tense Formations. And to top it all off, the catholic church reformer looks like George W. Bush with a white beard and a red cap.

Some very quotable quotes in the movie.

Angel: One of the drawbacks of being a martyr is that you have to die.
But no matter,

[you need to watch karate kid to get get this one]

Wax on, Wax off.

Ok, so if you haven't guessed yet, the movie is called Dogma. It sort of is philosophical comedy like Bedazzled was. Funny, paradoxical, challenging belief and good fun. Like the part about God being a woman (well, Bedazzled was all about the princess of darkness wasn't it ? ) and Muse blaming the editorial instincts of the male scribes who conveniently switched it into He. But I suppose they could've picked someone better than Alanis Morisette to be God (though it should be said that the part about Her voice being unbearable to humans proves to be partly right this way). Anyway I guess they needed those disclaimers really bad. It was the sort of movie you can't stop watching because it just keeps you guessing. Maybe they hired a guy to write half the script and then it totally went hay-wire. Maybe I should've started writing this blog entry after watching the entire movie, not while watching it.

And clock right now, says 4:56 AM.

* t3rmin4t0r has quit ("I'll be back")

posted at: 04:59 | path: /movies | permalink | Tags: